TORONTO – In an attempt to change his image, Canadian singer Justin Bieber agreed to be the guest of honor at his own Roast.
In honor of his 21st birthday, Comedy Central roasted the singer, an event Biebs hopes will mark a turning point for him – both professionally and personally.
This is how he arrived:
“The things that I’ve done really don’t define who I am. I’m a kind-hearted person who loves people, and through it all, I lost some of my best qualities. For that, I’m sorry. What I can say is I’m looking forward to being someone who you guys can look at and be proud of,” Bieber said in the most sincere moment of the night.
However, Bieber’s earnestness about turning over a new leaf didn’t stop his roasters from ruthlessly rending the singer to pieces.
“Damn, you guys were brutal. Goodness gracious. This was supposed to be a birthday present. When people ask me what I got for my 21st birthday, I get to tell them I got my d— kicked in,” Biebs marveled when all was said and done.
Here are all the best jokes you need to hear from Biebers’ roast – including a few you probably wish you didn’t hear – conveniently categorized for your Schadenfreudian pleasure:
Bill Cosby jokes:
“Bill Cosby hurt those women without ever caring about the consequences … that Hannibal Buress would become famous.” – Pete Davidson
“Kevin [Hart is] from Philadelphia, right? Just like Bill Cosby. And just like Bill Cosby, women can’t tell when Kevin’s inside them.” -Snoop Dogg
“Congratulations Hannibal Buress, you are only the Bill Cosby accuser making money off of him.” – Snoop Dogg
“I hate your music more than Bill Cosby hates my comedy.” -Hannibal Buress
Bruce Jenner Jokes:
“There were rumors of Justin dealing with Kendall Jenner and that shocked me. I was like ‘What the f—. That’s what I said. ‘What the f—?’ If you were gonna be dealing with a Jenner, I would have thought it’d be Bruce.” – Kevin Hart
“You’re such a bitch, you have a bigger cl– than the one Bruce Jenner wants.” – Chris D’Elia*
“Bieber pees in a restaurant mop bucket. As he runs off, he sprays a photograph of Bill Clinton with a bottle of blue liquid and yells, ‘F— Bill Clinton!’ There’s not a person in this room who hasn’t done that, you hypocritical a–holes! You Bruce Jenner Hollywood hermaphrodites!” – Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell)*
“Kendall Jenner, if you and Justin Bieber get married, who is going to give you away? Only man in the family is Khloe Kardashian.” – Jeff Ross*
“My cast mate on SNL Kate McKinnon does a perfect impression of Justin. Perfect. Right down to the cl–.” – Pete Davidson
“You’re not tough, Justin. I’m here to let you know that. I know you’ve been on Ellen 14 times. You act so much like a p—- on the show, Ellen tried to eat you.” – Ludacris
“Lately a lot of people have been pointing their fingers at you–and those are just lesbians showing the barber how they want their haircut.” – Jeff Ross
“What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million? A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours.” – Justin Bieber
“Justin has a lot of tattoos. You have patience tattooed on your neck and this doesn’t count right above his a–hole.” – Pete Davidson
“Justin’s a– is like a movie ticket because it was ripped about by an Usher.” – Jeff Ross
“When J. Bird got arrested he had a big smile in his mug shot. Not because he’s gangster. Because he knows what goes on in jail.” – Snoop Dogg
“You gotta give it up for Justin. He started from the bottom and he’s still a bottom” – Hannibal Buress
Selena Gomez jokes:
“Justin, Selena Gomez had to f— you. She is literally the least lucky Selena in all of entertainment history.” – Natasha Leggero
Why are you here? This is a terrible idea. You’re about to get f—ed harder than Orlando Bloom f—ed Selena Gomez.” – Chris D’Elia
“Selena Gomez couldn’t be here tonight. Just because she didn’t want to be here.” – Kevin Hart
“You’ve become a music icon, like a modern day Michael Jackson. The only difference is, as Michael got older, he acted whiter.” – Ludacris
“Shaq was the original 2 Chainz because that’s how he was brought into this country.” – Jeff Ross
“When [Hart] finally got his first big paycheck, he spent $150,000 on a watch. I forget that term for that… it’s not African-American rich. It’ll come to me.” – Martha Stewart
“Justin, honestly, I feel bad kicking you while you’re down. But since you wanna be black, you might as well get used to it.” – Ludacris
AIDS and abortion jokes:
“Justin was born to a teenage single mom. No wonder he’s got moves. He was in the womb dodging a coat hanger.” – Natasha Leggero
“You bought a monkey! I mean, that monkey was more embarrassed than the one that started the AIDS epidemic.” – Snoop Dogg
“You have left so many horrible and unwatchable videos, you should change your name to Vanilla ISIS.” – Snoop Dogg
“‘Baby’ is the most hated video online … And there are also ISIS videos online. That means that someone saw a video with a guy screaming death to America and sawing someone’s head off and thought ‘Nope. Still not worse than Bieber featuring Luda in a bowling ally.” – Chris D’Elia
“Kevin’s a good guy. And of course he’s here because he can’t say no to anything. Last week he hosted an ISIS beheading video on Reddit.” – Chris D’Elia
Anne Frank jokes:
“If Anne Frank had heard your music, she would’ve Uber’d to Auschwitz.” – Jeff Ross
“Even when you went to Anne Frank’s house there were fans waiting for you outside. I wish they were the same people waiting for Anne Frank.” – Jeff Ross
“I know you’ll never end up like Kurt Cobain or Amy Winehouse: respected.” – Jeff Ross
“You’ve become a cocky little sh–. You are the King Joffrey of pop.” — Jeff Ross
“I lost my dad on 9/11 and I always regretted growing up without a dad. Until I met your dad, Justin. Now I’m glad mine’s dead.” – Pete Davidson
“Soul Plane was the worst experience of my life involving a plane.” – Pete Davidson
“The only person that’s inhaled more smoke than Snoop is Pete Davidson’s dad inside the World Trade Center.” – Jeff Ross
“Justin’s fans are called Beliebers, because these days it’s considered politically incorrect to use the term retards.” – Natasha Leggero
“Justin Bieber has 10s of millions of fans – most are in middle schools, or standing at least 500 feet away from one.” – Kevin Hart
“The roast fans really want blood this time, even though most of your fans haven’t even gotten their period yet.” – Jeff Ross
Paul Walker jokes:
According to Variety, these jokes were made during the taping but were deemed too offensive (even by Bieber):
“‘Move bitch, get out of the way!’ is what Paul Walker should’ve told that tree. Too soon? Too fast? Too furious?” – Jeff Ross
“Just this past year, Justin got arrested for drag racing. Unfortunately, it wasn’t with Paul Walker. What? He’s doing great! He’s got a movie coming out!” – Pete Davidson
Jusin Bieber Roast To Air On App Uncensored
If watching Justin Bieber get roasted once wasn’t bad enough, Comedy Cental will replay the whole show again – uncensored.
The show will be made available on the Comedy Central app beginning Tuesday.
The Canadian crooner really wanted fans to like him again. After being the butt of the joke for hours during the taping of his Comedy Central roast, the 21-year-old singer gave a contrition speech.
“I turned a lot of people off over the past few years, but I know I can still turn out good music and turn everything all around,” said Bieber, whose music has been overshadowed by his offstage antics, which include reckless driving, public urination and throwing eggs at a neighbor’s home.
The roast was hosted by Kevin Hart and featured Snoop Dogg, Shaquille O’Neal, Martha Stewart, Ludacris and others.